With midterms looming over the heads of students in the coming weeks, many high schoolers reported significant levels of stress and a desperate urge to run into the street screaming incoherently at various times while studying. Dr. Jane Faillure, a Ph.D. in student stress levels at the time of exams and a leading researcher at the Massachusetts Symptom Testing and Research Educational Sanctuary and Sauna (MassSTRESS), said that these symptoms are caused by a fairly common condition that medical professionals call ‘Extremely Low Academic Self-Confidence.’

“This condition can also be characterized by alternating bouts of hysterical laughter and sobbing while buried under a stack of textbooks, as well as the dreaded ‘midnight munchies’ after a student skips dinner in order to get more studying in.'” Dr. Faillure continues, her calm demeanor seemingly indicating that she herself has never experienced the trauma of missing the season finale of one’s favorite show because they’re too tired after studying for midterms. The ‘Friends’ poster on the wall to her right and the slight tremor her voice gets whenever she glances at it proves otherwise.

Furthermore, “The most Googled terms during the two weeks leading up to midterms are ‘jobs that require no high school diploma’ and ‘how to leave the country without my principal noticing.'” An Amazon.com representative also reports a spike in purchases of self-help books with cheerful titles like “Where Is My Life Going?”, “Twenty Ways You Messed Your Life Up And What You Can Do About It (Hint: Not Much)”, and the fan favorite, “Your Parents Think You’re A Disappointment”.

There are few known treatments that completely cure students’ yearly bouts of Extremely Low Academic Self-Confidence, but Dr. Faillure explains that there is research being done on the breakthrough new concept of Not-Being-So-Hard-On-Yourself, which may help to significantly combat the tremors, stress, sickness, and general unhappiness that comes with Extremely Low Academic Self-Confidence.

 

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